The Narcissist You Never See Coming: Understanding Covert Narcissistic Abuse - Part Two

Please see part one of this post to learn more about what covert narcissism is, what gaslighting and manipulation tactics narcissists use, and why it is abuse. You can read that post here.

DARVO: The Narcissist's Favorite Defense Mechanism

If you've ever tried to confront a covert narcissist about their behavior - whether it's gaslighting, lying, or emotional neglect - you've likely been met with a reaction that left you confused, feeling guilty or even apologizing. That's not by accident - you've been DARVO'd.

DARVO stands for:

• Deny

• Attack

• Reverse Victim and Offender

This is a manipulation tactic narcissists (especially the covert kind) use to avoid accountability and regain control of the narrative.

What DARVO may look like:

• You say: "It really hurt me when you used my trauma to hurt me."

• The narcissistic reply: "You're so dramatic. You're so sensitive. You always twist everything and now you're attacking me. You're crazy. Leave me alone."

Suddenly, they're the victim. You're the aggressor. And you're stuck defending yourself when you're the one that's been harmed in the first place.

That's textbook DARVO.

DARVO feeds into their smear campaign and public image

• They deny your reality and invalidate your feelings.

• They attack your credibility, often labeling you as unstable, angry or abusive.

• They reverse roles, positioning themselves as the wounded party while painting you as the toxic one.

And because covert narcissists are so skilled at appearing calm, rational, and "reasonable," you end up looking like the irrational, unreasonable one - even to yourself. This is how they isolate you from your support network and control the narrative. This is how they destroy reputations as they try desperately to salvage theirs - it doesn't matter if your spouse was the one unfaithful during the relationship for example. The cheated-on spouse will now be called a "liar" and accused of making things up while the cheater has been living lies daily. This is how they win sympathy even after inflicting years of silent harm.

FINAL THOUGHTS: COVERT ABUSE IS ABUSE

Recently the Sean "P. Diddy" Combs trial has been going on in New York. This case has shined a light on physical domestic abuse but has highlighted the power of coercive control. Combs is facing multiple charges including racketeering, sex trafficking by force, fraud or coercion, and transportation for prostitution. He has pleaded not guilty to all charges. Prosecutors allege that between roughly 2008 and 2024, Combs used his power and influence to facilitate drug-fueled and baby oil-lubed "freak off" sex parties, recorded encounters, and coerced participants, including his previous longtime girlfriend Cassie Ventura. I haven't been able to watch much of the trial, or discuss it, because it's way too triggering. But the case has given an extremely potent example of what coercive control looks like.

"Why didn't she just leave if it was so bad?"

The number of times I've read this comment earlier this week kept me off social media. Let's talk about understanding coercive control.

What is it? Coercive control is an ongoing pattern of domination using tactics beyond physical violence - like emotional manipulation, isolation, financial abuse, threats, micro-regulation and passive aggressiveness. It's not about a single abusive incident but a cumulative strategy to undermine autonomy and self-worth over time. Victims don't think leaving is an option.

It worked on me.

Here are some examples of how coercive control has shown up in the Combs case:

• Financial control: Ventura described feeling forced into "freak offs" and trapped in financial dependency. Oftentimes that economic leverage makes leaving unthinkable.

• Emotional and physical threats: testimony from the trial has shown a pattern of violent outbursts (kicking, threatening), drugging, use of blackmail video recordings, and threats against Ventura.

• Fear and isolation: Ventura testified to a daily environment of surveillance, shadow control, and behavior management.

So why doesn't someone just leave if it "was so bad?" This question reflects a common and dangerous misunderstanding about coercive relationships.

• Trauma bonding: victims often feel deep loyalty and attachment to the abuser stemming from cycles of love-bombing and devaluation. The brain literally becomes wired to cling to hope that things will revert to "normal."

• Financial dependence: leaving can mean losing safety, housing, money, or suffering retaliatory harm; leaving means risking one's safety, reputation, and financial security.

• Emotional conditioning: The victim is frequently undermined - they are told they are unstable, selfish or crazy. They begin to doubt their own judgment (gaslighting), often believing they need the abuser, not the other way around.

• Fear of retaliation: threats of violence, blackmail, damage to reputation, and even harm to others creates extreme fear, and that fear of escalation is real and pervasive.

Asking "why didn't she just leave?" ignores deep systemic patterns that keep victims trapped. Victims, survivors really, are less likely to report or escape intimate partner violence because of the complex intertwining of emotional control, isolation and dependency.

The world is starting to wake up to overt narcissism but covert narcissism remains dangerously under-recognized. Survivors of covert abuse often suffer in silence for years, confused by the cognitive dissonance of being mistreated by someone who "seems like such a good person" who has "never done anything to anyone." But here's the truth:

People don't need to yell to be cruel. They don't need to hit you to hurt you. And they don't need to rage to ruin your life.

What they do is erode you, slowly and quietly, until you forget who you are. I still have trouble recognizing the person I've become today. It's heartbreaking at times. I used to LOVE love. I thought everyone was intrinsically good. I always gave folks the benefit of the doubt. Not anymore. And that's a painful reality. And when you try to speak up? They DARVO, triangulate and smear you to protect their false self. If you've experienced this kind of abuse and coercive control, please know:

• You are not crazy.

• You are not weak.

• You were manipulated by someone who was never what they appeared to be.

• You are allowed to reclaim your voice, your sanity, and your story.

"Healing isn't about going back to who you were. It's about becoming who you were meant to be before they convinced you otherwise."