The Narcissist You Never See Coming: Understanding Covert Narcissistic Abuse - Part One

I swore almost a year ago that I was going to start blogging more. There have been so many times I've wanted to use this platform to share the many things I've learned as I continue my journey healing from narcissistic abuse. Now that I'm in memoir writing mode, coming up with topics is easy (three in the last two days). Today felt like the perfect day to start sharing.

The words "narcissism" and "narcissistic" trigger people, usually those who haven't experienced this kind of abuse. They get defensive and will tell you not everyone is a narcissist, or maybe the person you were involved with is just an asshole. All true. But for those who have experienced, they get it. They understand. There is no explanation needed. And make no mistake... it is abuse.

I've found it difficult to explain what narcissism is and the harm it causes survivors. Over the next couple of posts, I'm going to at least try to.

When most people hear the word narcissist, they imagine someone loud, arrogant, attention-seeking. OVERT narcissists as people who suck the air out of the room when they walk in - all eyes on them because they are loud and obnoxious. These narcissists are showboats who always need to be the center of attention. Their self-absorption and entitlement are on full display.

But there's another kind of narcissist that I think is far more dangerous in many ways. They hide behind humility and "nice-guy" personas. They won't often raise their voices. They're even extremely sympathetic (this is one of the reasons I didn't want my divorce to go to trial - I knew my ex has mastered acting vulnerable and garners sympathy because of it). But these quiet, silent types can quietly chip away at your identity, your self worth, your sense of reality, and maybe even your will to live.

These are the covert narcissists. And if you've ever been involved with one (e.g. a spouse or family member), we have something in common. I've said on more than on one occasion that I wish he would've just punched me in the face and left a black eye - then maybe I would've been believed. Victims of covert narcissistic abuse are often told they are lying. They're told not to explain themselves because it just makes them look "crazy," further isolating them. They quickly learn there is no village coming to save them.

Today I want to talk about the difference between overt and covert narcissists, how to spot the textbook patterns they use on their victims, and some of the tactics they use to inflict harm.

OVERT vs. COVERT NARCISSISM

The following are some key differences you might see in overt vs. covert narcissists:

Overt narcissists tend to be:

• Loud, arrogant, boastful

• Dominate conversations - and when they do allow you to talk, they may hear you, but aren't actually listening

• Openly critical of others, but if you do they'll act morally superior and say something along the lines of "that's not very nice"

• Obsessed with status and admiration

Covert narcissists tend to be:

• Quietly entitled

• Passive-aggressive

• Self-deprecating and will fish for reassurance and validation

• Easily offended and chronically resentful

• Appear empathetic, but lack true empathy

COVERT NARCISSISM - WHAT IS IT?

Covert narcissists are masters of disguise. They often present as thoughtful, introverted, and even fragile. They'll say all the "right" things and do just enough good to confuse you. They may volunteer, work in caregiving roles, or present as the long-suffering partner who is being controlled and abused by their partner, family member or coworker.

In fact, beneath that sensitive surface is the same core of every narcissist:

• A fragile ego

• A deep desire for validation

• A complete lack of empathy - they do not care how their actions affect others

• A willingness to destroy others to protect their false self

Their abuse is subtle. It's methodical and ambiguous which is why their victims are always questioning their reality and feel "crazy." The abuse case look like this:

• The twisting of words so you question your memory (this is one reason why I can't recommended journaling enough - going back and reading your immediate recollections of what happened in certain situations will allow you to recognize the lies and gaslighting)

• Going silent when you're in pain - the "silent treatment" is one of their "go-to" tactics

• Weaponizing incompetence and feigning helplessness which forces you to over function

• Backhanded compliments and veiled put-downs

And the scary part I had to come to terms with as I've been treated for cPTSD for the last couple of years is that I had to RADICALLY ACCEPT that it was all intentional. The person I'd sworn to love forever and would've likely hopped in front of a car for so he wouldn't get it didn't give a damn about any of the harm he was causing me.

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

The cycle of abuse applies to both covert and overt narcissists. The fact that it's a cycle is so important because this is how they will function throughout your entire relationship.

Love Bombing: Narcissists present as attentive, self-aware, charming and even safe. They pretend to care. They mirror your values and say everything you've ever wanted to hear. You are the best thing to ever happen to them. They will shower you with gifts and take you on trips. You feel like you've finally meet someone who truly gets you.

Devaluation: Slowly, you begin to feel inadequate. They make subtle comparisons to others, become emotionally unavailable, and withdraw affection. When you confront them, they will make it a "you" problem. "You're too sensitive." "You're crazy." You will apologize and go out of your way to regain their affection. Ultimately they will come back around as if NOTHING happened and it will leave you thinking two things - "What the fuck?" and "I was just trippin' - everything is fine."

The Discard: They may leave abruptly, blame you for their unhappiness, or even punish you with emotional distance. This might be when they start dabbling on dating sites (if they ever stopped in the first place). They may literally be grooming their new "supply" so he/she is ready when the narc leaves their partner. This is one of the hard lessons I had to learn - no one just pops right into another relationship or starts dating right after a break up - they likely were dating during your relationship. Think about every time you can no recognize you were in the "devaluation" phase of the cycle - they were looking for other sources of supply.

Hoovering: When their other source(s) of supply dry up or don't satisfy their needs, they may come back. There will be apologies, gifts, begging for forgiveness, promising they'll do better. So you take them back... and then the cycle begins again.

Key Traits and Tactics of Covert Narcissists

Narcissistic Supply: I mentioned "supply" above. All narcissists need supply - it's external validation, attention, admiration, or even control. It's how they maintain their false self.

For covert narcs, supply often comes from:

• Being seen as a "good person" by outsiders

• Playing the victim to gain sympathy

• Eliciting guilt or praise for how much they have "put up with"

Triangulation: Triangulation is when the narcissists involve third parties into the dynamic to manipulate, stalk, abuse, etc. the target. It can look like this:

• Constantly comparing you to an ex, family member, or even a coworker

• Complimenting others in front of you to make you feel insecure

• Telling you what others "said" about you to pit people against each other

• Creating a dynamic where they openly pit the partner they discarded with the new supply

I've referred to this before as psychological warfare. It's designed to keep you in your place and constantly chasing their approval and love - all while making you doubt your own worth. It's literal crazy-making.

The Smear Campaign: For me, this was one of the most damaging aspects of the narcissistic abuse I experienced. Once a covert narcissist senses they're losing control and their masks begin to fall off revealing who they really are, they will begin quietly and methodically poisoning your reputation. And this happens LONG before you even know what you're dealing with. They recruit an "army" to help take you out. Here are some examples of what may happen during the smear campaign:

• They will tell mutual friends and/or family that you're unstable, crazy, controlling, abusive, or "not well." A covert narc will do this under the guise of being concerned about their victim. They will play the victim to anyone who will listen. One of their favorite words they use to describe their victims - "disrespectful."

• They tell half truths and will never ever tell the whole story - it's why they are so believable. If part of the story is plausible, then the whole thing is easier to believe.

Narcissists will lie, omit, and manipulate without remorse - because their only goal is to protect their image and destroy yours. They want to win and will do so at all cost. And because they're so believable to those who don't know the truth, many survivors find themselves isolated, discredited, and retraumatized by the people who once supported them.

This. Is. Abuse.

Come back tomorrow for part two.